spleenstream

04.05.2006 “Sn”-Fr, 11:20 AM.

Here we go Diana,

On the 1st place we’ve got the following thing – “Boy U’ll be a father soon (or another urban story)

This story (as everything ) I should start from the very beginning, when in fact we laid the first brick to a mutual emotional and psychological, maybe physical disaster.

It was on my birthday (I hope you remember Diana it’s on the 21st of December). Me, Andrew Phillips, and Andrew “Krai” gathered to celebrate that “outstanding” anniversary. I was 24 that day. Pretty old bastard, isn’t it ;)? Before it I had a rather fussy celebration among the co-workers. It was boring nuisance with hackneyed toasts and wishes. Nonetheless, after that I was quite “warmed” and ready to further successful self-destruction.
In spite of the 21st of December it was still warm so after good dinner in a “Sport-Weekend” bar we could enjoy walking along the night city, drink cognac from the bottle, recall past, dream about future and love this life as it is. As always, Mr. Phillips made departure first. He has difficult relations with his parents, in spite that we’re almost the same age, he’s under strong influence of his parents, especially his ma. I don’t wanna say he’s a namby-pamby boy, but he’s got a considerable problems in his relations, safe from one side but inappropriate considering his age. For him it is a burden but in same time shelter.
Well, so there left two of us, me and Mr. Krai (I think I would tell U about him in a different chapter Diana cuz it wouldn’t be enough to limit myself with just a couple of remarks).
Right, so what do you think two tipsy youngsters were going to do in 1:00 AM?
Of course, we went to bed…….. fucking no way. Certainly it was nothing of a kind. As real «типа нармальные падонки» we went to a disco in order to kill ourselves completely with alcohol and pick up some bitches. Of course, we obviously didn’t think about it directly, but our “warmed” animal’s natures lead us that scenario as default setting.
Yep, it was MY DAY. As soon as we arrived to a destination we met to “suitable” girls who were just going to leave and talked to them. It was Wednesday and the place was almost empty likewise our minds, but we easily managed to reassure them to stay. In case of my above mentioned destination that meeting turned into destiny which I may consider differently – experience, pay day, crack in my “pro-right paradigm”, fatal error, dire straits, regular thing, just another unsuccessful relation, whatever……….
No matter how I may treat this, no matter how many substantial justifying I may bring, the result is much more crucial and sad by all means.
Well, approximately month ago she shocked me that she was pregnant. Well, I wouldn’t say I was shocked but rather astonished und upset. I was not going to support those relations for good anyway.
But that, it was quite different, and I had a little but severe choice. And I’ve made it. I wouldn’t say it took me much time, it was obvious for me from the very beginning I don’t want the child now and from her. Unfortunately she’s got quite the opposite point of view. She wants it now and from me. And that is the problem. I don’t love her at all, never did, and never told it to her. We had just a mere sex once or twice a week and it’s it. I realized that she loved me but I explicitly showed her all the time that for me it was just sex and nothing more. When it was boring, when I needed some female hormones, I just called her and by the movement of magic wand she was it my place and almost without “Hi, how U doin’” we made sex, sometimes once sometimes couple of times and she left. We almost didn’t talk to each other, we were completely different people, but in the same time we needed sex and that’s where we match each other perfectly. I still don’t know whether she did it cuz she loved me or just needed such relaxation as I did. I feel like both but I have no doubt that she was loyal to me (if it can be called so) and it really can possibly be my child. We rarely took any precautions as everybody thinking it would never happen to us. Why we, we’re experienced, we’re well versed, we keep everything under control and here you are, a cold shower.
As for me, we should solve that problem in a different, no doubt cruel but most reasonable way, abortion. You may say Diana, that way I just wanted to avoid responsibility, but no it’s not such easy.

For me decision to “get rid of the problem” was much harder and much painful than any. Nonetheless I tried to look at the problem from different angle, to get into the essence and imagine it in the long-term progression. And I’ve considered it as the most reasonable and obvious thing.
I just don’t love her. I can’t be with her, it would bring us to “hell” anyway and did any good for nobody. I talk about long-term progression and reasonable thing Diana.

At first I thought she’d understood me. I explained to her why we should do it that way and brought her reasonable facts. I persuaded her that if we want to solve that problem together we should step away from emotional, egoistic surface and to look at the situation together from a different, wise and reasonable point. We did at and agreed that we’re both not ready for such circumstances and baby wouldn’t be the best idea. I thought she understood it as well. She told me that it was bad time for such “problems” to her as well, that she always expected that my reaction would be like that. In a word, she gave me understand that I’m a complete monster, asswhole and bastard but she agreed to make an abortion. Frankly speaking I didn’t fell the relief at all after those words. I just knew she had to do so, for both of us. She promised me to consult the doc. and do everything “right” but the same day she called to me and said she was going to save baby. I don’t know what I felt that time. I wasn’t angry at her, I wasn’t shocked or depressed. It was a mix of different kinds of unpleasant feelings with something more, till unknown but nonetheless terrifying.
She reasoned her decision by all sorts of things, from possible complications with her health, danger not to have baby at all, threats from her relatives and friends, to Christian grace and virtues. She was definitely firm in her decision. Stupid bitch. Just imagine Diana, in a couple of hours everyone she knew, including her latest boy-friend and co-workers knew about the problem and had time to assure her to save the baby. Can you believe that? Just a couple of hours end even her dad in Spain knew the deal and gave advice. Fuck, don’t you think it’s bloody conspiracy aimed at my capitulation. We met once after that. We had a long talk in pizza-house. She was calm and confirmed in her position, either did I. She tried to show that she needed nothing from me, she wouldn’t blame me, foe me and I could do whatever I wanted, but it were only words. In each of her phrase, frown, reproach, sight she tried to bend me using pity, she tried to make me feel guilty, and I read it more than clearly. On Monday called her mum, she asked me what we are going to do. And I said that I’ve already had my say.
Fuck off bastards I would never give up so easily that U might think. Am I look like a complete idiot. Nothing of a kind. If you gonna manipulate me with false pity and reproach I will use also necessary dirty tricks. I won’t let you turn my life into a slow horror only because 23 years female wants to have baby and fulfill the duty given her by the nature. Yeah, right, if you want baby just have it but don’t involve me in all this shit, reproaches, threats and hypocrisy. I realize that it’s no good, but it was your choice to make it so, that’s why you gonna pay for this, or you may not if do the reasonable things. I’m sure no matter what will come in end I will pay for this as well, and it’s gona be a cruel payment but at least I’m straight and honest. In this situation I just lost the control lever to solve the problem properly and together.
Come on you’re quite a big girl with big “experience” and “history”, you knew what you did when coming to my place and you ain’t gonna make me fool just to justify your nature instincts and whims. I can understand you but I asked the same for me.

A couple of days before, she asked me to give her some of my blood. She said it might be necessary for our future child. I don’t know why, but it seemed to me strange. Ok, I can handle it but I’ll see what it really means.

With this I finish chapter 1, but I’m sure, this story will definitely to be continued, I hope more or less luckily for all of us.


05.05.2006 16:57

Hello Diana,

“Another try ”:, that’s what you may ironically say to me, isn’t it? Well, I’m sure you know me too well, just to take pitiful advantage to mock at me.

Sorry not to write to you for so long. I may say if to compare my two forward tries with this time I had really many events in my life to say to you and try to look over.

Ok Diana, let’s have a try and make my “Top 10 Chart” of exciting topics and later think it over together (I think I should put them in order of emotional charge and influence):

1. Boy, you’ll be a father soon  (Another urban story);
2. Any end it’s in fact the start. (Contemplations over the work in previous season);
3. Good fuck, good luck, good love, or what on Erath I really need? (About women);
4. Who am I?, or who is that person I would like to be. (Popular psychology books)
5. Mayday, mayday – could be alarm, but this time just holidays.(Spring’s holidays review)
6. My relations with parents and relatives. (I’m afraid it could be a sad story);
7. Not occupied
8. Not occupied
9. Not occupied
10. Not occupied

I am sure Diana, by the end of the 6th story the free positions will be filled, and now let’s start from the very beginning……………


THE END !!!

P.S. Another example that everything’s relative and …………

Probably my YESTERDAY could be labeled like a model one. Yeah, why not?!?
If to flashback into my childhood, student years I always dreamt about interesting rewarding job, business travels and a certain part of responsibility, I used to think about interesting acquaintances, parties full of fun and champagne, great sex with my dear couple. I think nowadays I’m really stepped close to all these. Nonetheless my so-called model YESTERDAY still confirms the proverb: “Why worry it may never happens?” Of course it’s somewhat different from my earlier illusions but basically it has much to do with them. I find it more interesting anyway.
I’m sure it should going on this way, otherwise the life could resemble the well (or poor) scheduled plan. A routine, insane, unfair duty of useless mechanism, which produces nothing but emptiness. In this case there wouldn’t be any downs but (what’s the worst)no ups correspondently.
Yesterday I had a meeting with our hypothetical partners. The negotiation was nervous and dragging. It took me much effort and self-control to hold on our positions. (Our suggestions were far from ideal). Hopefully tasty meal and curing mounting air reduced the tension and we came up to the conclusion of our talks in good humor and background conviction that we have no different choice but work together.
Sunny autumn weather, satisfaction in my stomach and mind made me sleepy. Other followed my way. And then sweet deep snoozing, fast–rotating scenes outside the window, ionized transparent air.
The rest of the day passed very quickly. A few seconds more and I sit in my former Alma Mater in a company of weird but well-known people. A few seconds more and we are in the different club-like place. A moment more and I’m quite drunk. We are sitting in a park discussing everything from Platon and F.Mercury to gas prices. Half a mo more and I embrace sweet body which eager union.
Half past three. A couple of stupid remarks. Empty smiles and kiss for goodbye. Taxi. Home.

I’m sleaping and in a three ours I’m to get up and continue all this mess around.

Was it really my childhood dream ? (((((

Как хорошо что скоро субота. Сие событие я решил встретить на "исторической родине", таксать в кругу Своих.
Я уже в предвкушении розмеренного суботнего утродня, запаха крепкого, длинно-пьющегося кофе, и многозначительных, важных разговоров с моей милой племяшкой.
Суботнее утро не всегда бывает таким безмятежным. Бывает что просыпаешся с кромешного бодуна, после пятничной корпоративной, и идентифицируэшь себя космогоническим кусочком shit, вовлечённого в празник жизни под лозунгом - "Да! Вялотекущей шизофрении!!!"
Под таким лозунгом прошло моё прошлое воскресенье. В суботу мы почтили своим присудствием "Four-Rooms Party".
Довольно таки забавное мироприятие, учитывая что в нашем городке на так уж и много прикольных фриков. В этот вечер каждый из них счел делом своей чести присутствовать на этом дефиле в галстуках.
Sex-Drugs & Rock'n'Roll стал лейтмотивом вечера, перемешиваясь в причудливые коктейли и тонкоматериальные излучения.
Что касаеться меня, то если с первым у меня не сложилось в силу тривиального "перебора" и охоте на 10 зайцев сразу, то с другим, я в состоянии идеологического джихада. Не люблю я, знаете ли, искуственного кайфа.
Всё должно быть натуральным, как бодун,как улыбка моей любимой племяшки, как секс без латекса.
Что касаеться третьего (я имею введу R'n'R), то его было в избытке. Каждый did it не жалея не себя, ни окружающих его братьев по разуму. Мое любимое молодое вдохновение с 800 косичками так набралось, что его пришлось вгружать в такси лопатой. Последний раз я её видел вчера, как всегда в гламурном настроении, что и неудивительно. Вопервых возраст (17), а вовторых другое настроение ей просто не идёт. Как настоящая (или будущая-настоящая) женщина она всегда чувствует , что ей идет (или почти всегда).
Да, это было в прошлую суботу. В эту меня ждет совсем другое кино, с вкусным, чуть-чуть застоявшимся провинциальным привкусом, естественными улыбками и простыми как борщ мыслями. Единственная дилема которая может ждать меня в этот вечер это: " To drink or not to drink.
That's a question.
Wheather it's noble in the mind
To suffer & bla....bla)))
(God save me from bla.)))
Только-что позвонила чёрная и крепкая как кофе давняя знакомая. Вот кто кто, а она меня никогда не перестает удивлять. Иногда мне кажеться, что я уже привык к тому что она может выкинуть что то,то,то,то,то,то,т,ооооо,

а она ХОП и удивляет.) Значет есть еще порох в пороховницах,и ягоды в саду у бабы Кати.
Чтото я отвлёкся(. начал как говориться за суботу а кончаю за здоровье всех достойных дам =)

(приколы приколами но в то время как я оканчивал эту фразу из радио роздался возглас :"за присутствующих дам) У меня часто такое бывает Diana, ты знаешь )))

Вот значит, завтра пятница, а это означает что послезавтра субота, любымый день евреев, котов и трудоголиков. Ни к тем, ни другим ни 3 я себя не отношу, но в том, что в суботу нельзя заниматься ничем кроме ничегонеделанья я полностью согласен. Хотя, думаю что не стоит ради этого, даже религиозного, убеждения делать обрезание . Достаточно просто ничего не делать.

через 15 мин должен прити дизайнер. Если он опоздает хоть на 5 мин, гадости я буду ему говорить как минимум 12. Да я это фигня. Шеф пообещал свернуть ему шею, и сказал чтоб без вазелина даже не заходил, ато бу оч бо Неужели он не понимает сколько можно сделать или не сделать за эти 5 мин?!?! (неговоря о +12((

А вообще дела щас идут как-то странно. С одной стороны они какбы идут, а с другой есть ощущение, бутто смотришь на эту КАКБЫ со стороны, как в кинотеатре с широкоформатным экраном. А вокруг столько dolby ((((
Иногда у меня ощущение что они просто везде, ну просто вездец-surround-широкоформатный (((

О, токо что позвонила белая и сладкая, как фруктовый йогурт знакомая. Наверное мудж уехал в командировку (прадник души и тела ) Надо бы зайти, поздравить с этим мою english teacher.

Извини Diana за этоту словесную диарею ((( мне очень стыдно, очень грустно что именно так и я больше не бу.

Ладно, пойду ка я посмотрю как там дизайнера компилируют.

See you. & take care.

Hello Diana,

Thank you for your patience & understanding. U was always my best friend to the North East from the leading leg. (My right hand is out of all questions and collisions.exe:)))

Yeah, I've just met her again.(the last time I saw her 2 month ago) As always it was unexpectedly, easy-going & funny. I do not now whether I still feel smth toward her. Maybe I do, cuz she smells like my lovely niece and I find it amazing. This fragrance strangely alike and I try to figure it out. How come?
Its pretty sharp, not quite aromatic but extremely familiar. Do you think it's a kind of magic? Yeah. probably magic it's a kind of everything.

It's quite strange Diana, but I steel don't know how do you smell. I doubt that anybody does.

I bet it's resemble the mix of melon, basilic, sandal and the oak tree.

Of course it doesn't.

You are dead so we'd better not to talk about your fragrance. Aren't we?

Forgive me Diana, I know that you are not dead. You can not be dead as you'd never were alive. It's your merit, your privilege as you are not have to live and hence to die. Sorry again.

Hey, I think I've lost my threat.

I think I should invite her today somewhere. Why postpone it ? Yeah I think I should go out with her and find out why she smels like my lovely niece.

See you Diana. Bye.

Again, the other spin day & another weird unexplained feeling of someone's company. I would say contemplating.
All day long I was messing about the office and different places but hardly fruitfully.

I've read some notes of another inhabitant of livejournal & that served me good. I'm not the only strange alien at this place. There are many others / There are many of us )))))

Ok Diana, see you a bit later )))))

Hello me. my psycho. & U the dark side of mirror reflexion. I always wanted to run the diary but as always found thousand of excuses reasons and explanations that it at least useless. unwise. & ridiculous.
Nonetheless I think I'll try. So hi there again!!!

What, U dont hear me ? And what about you the different me ?
Me and me-opposite. What will you say?

i am afraid you just dont want to talk to me. It's really sad......
It's quite impolite/////........

It's fuckin unfair(((

You bloody bastards just look at all this shit and mock into your sleeves. . . . Aren't you??? . . ... ... . ...

FUCK U & YOU and you and you and FUCK YOU!!!!! and FUck me ..........................
..................................................................................................
--------------------------------- / / / / / / / /,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Whatever ^(((((((((((((((((((

I'm quite and ordinary man. Am I? No you dont. Otherwise you wouldn't fell in love with that lovely, unusual, not-from-this-earth girl.

No brother, you just telling the lie to yourself. She's just one of that golden youth who considers herself special.
She as just special as the new, well-promoted song on MTV which is decently immoral, to the certain measure pro-rebel, lusciously egoistic, sexy, ready for mass usage and digestion. She just have bought that style (her parents have). And it's the most unbearable. Most people just buy their style and you have to treat them according to it.They don't like to be the real ones.They call it indecent, immoral,to say that they different from their image. Be sure that they will call it trans-passing into their property and use all their forces to hurt you, preferably kill. They warn you dont you dare even to look at me without my full-dress uniform. Without that image they are naked both morally and emotionally. They are confused. They are extremely dangerous.
Luckily God gave me the eyes and ability to understand it. The God hasn't given us freedom but He let us to choose. Thank You father. Thank You for everything.............................................................................................
.............................................................

The only thing that really cheer me up that U steel able to feel that sort of emotions. That sweet tension above your stomach.And on & on.. That hope for acceptance of your feelings. Above all frustration when you realize that love is not that mutually experienced emotion. It's not even sex but your hopeless dream and reflexion of your lost unity in the Eden garden. Funny trick isn't it??? :)

Was it so bad to live in Eden? I wish I knew(((. I just want to know whether all this was worth of it.

Hey Mr. Adam & you Mrs Eva. Was it really worth of it???? .........................

I hope someday I will know.